hey crackhead

in case i forgot to send this to anyone, or if you've just happened upon the unfathomable bliss that is my blog, this is a posting from craigslist that bernard sent me. it's a-funny.

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"Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***"

ooo...2 weeks and a day since last i wrote. i'm terrible. f.

since then, i took a trip to vegas, saw ahren AND his awesome parents, had a 3/4 moe.cruise reunion, gambled, saw one decent phish show and 3 of the best moe. shows ever. EVER.

got back to boston last monday, and promptly got sick. was better by the weekend, and spent it with lynnja.

now i'm at work, and bored as usual. but outside of work, things are looking good. since the winter's finally over, and i'm done hibernating, i now have to shed all the fat i put on for warmth and start being healthy again. and nothing says "fuck you winter!" like rain almost every day of april. but, at least it wasn't all for naught. this year we broke the record baby! the past winner for the most rainfall in the month of april in boston was miss 1987...accruing 9.41". but you're not number 1 anymore, baby. say hello to miss 2004...weighing in at 9.65". if it had been snow, that would have been roughly 9.65'. '. feet! that's a lot of water. there better be flowers growing out of every square inch of ground come may.

oh, friday night i went out with lynn, bernard, ilya, jordan, and eventually aram to see josh's band at great scott. first off, the band was awesome. very fun. i was even dancing a little, right ilya? anyway, the reason i bring this night up is because bernard is a dirty cheating asshole. so, i agree to try out the new golden tee 2005. now, i don't play golden tee all that much. in fact, the only time i play is when i'm with b and he wants to. b LOVES his golden tee. so, we're playing, and on the second hole of the round, he fucks up royally, and i get par. now, i pull ahead of him by a stroke. unprecedented. so, next hole. i make a terrible shot, and end up with a drive that basically has to go thru a mountain. so i ask him how the hell i'm supposed to do this. "i don't know. i feel like i can hit it hard enough to either go right on up over the mountain, or possibly right thru it." "no, you have to turn..." and as he's slowly describing what i have to do, this message pops up saying "DELAY OF GAME. ONE PENALTY STROKE." i'm like, "what the fuck?" "oh, yeah, you have to keep moving your guy so you don't get that." what a dirty cunt. the whole time standing there, looking at the screen, telling me what i should do, knowing full well i wasn't moving my stupid golfer guy, and that i have no idea that i'm supposed. i think i'm going to start calling him "the cheat".

um, i was just reading all my friend's blogs, and i realized something. i don't care about poilitcs or world events. how terrible is that? i mean, it's just lack of interest. i'm interested in reading all their thoughts, but i've no desire to sit here and spew my thoughts on the presidential race, or what's going on in iraq.

and i couldn't spew my thoughts, because i have none. i'm a gaping, empty pit of knowledge about those topics. seriously. ask me about demi and ashton...i know it. ask me what happened in iraq yesterday...prolly some people were killed, and there was a suicide bombing?

no clue. none.

but i'm going to vegas tomorrow! i care about that! look out blackjack tables. or maybe i'll lay my entire life savings on black? what a fucking moron. why would ANYONE play roulette. maybe a spin or 2, but come on...your life savings?


oh jebus...the theme song from the o.c. just came on my launch radio station. worst song ever.

it's springtime. i'm coming out of hibernation. and there's too many thoughts in my head.

so, i'll put them here:

1) i really love coldplay these days. "yellow" was just on my launch radio station, and chris martin's voice voice makes me melt.

2) cream cheese isn't cheese it's butter.

3) i'll finally feel complete when aparna's up here for the summer. we need to be in the same city. i feel hollow when she's so far away.

4) when my mom was my age, right now, she was ~2 weeks pregnant with me. god, that's scary.

5) how can people live for so long when they're so stupid? it just doesn't seem possible. i feel like they must be bending logic. it escapes me.

6) when the moon is finally colonized, i'll be first in line to move. and i'm bringing some of you with me. it will be a wonderful community of only highly intelligent people. and only people that i like. that means you might be in trouble, br1an. I KEEDING! you know i'd need you there, so i can grab giant handfuls of your ass, and shock the hell out of you.

7) why, why georgia why?

8) i wish ben folds five was still together. i love them.

9) you all have to go watch eye candy right now. even if you've seen it already, go watch it again. your soul will thank you.

10) while you're at it, why don't you go dress up jebus. i like chocolate covered jebus a lot.

this is an older email i got on match.com. unfortunately, i've deleted a lot of them, but there's a few that slipped thru the cracks. overall, it's the lack of punctuation and misspellings that get to me. oh, and the lack of intelliegence. right, almost forgot about that one.

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"hey there,
I like you profile and wanted to send you a little note. You seem like you would be a fun person to hang out with and get to know. A little about me. I have lived in boston all my life im an electrician. Im into working out staying in shape and sports. I just joined a basketball league. O my good we did so bad last night haha. Ok well hopefully we can chat live sometime. I have msn messager "

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there's also a service on match.com whereby if you're logged into the website, you're also logged into a messenger service thru the site. so, occasionally i'll log on, and people will write to me on the match.messenger. so, the other day, this guy writes. he seems boring, and frankly i'm not interested. but, i'm always nice and will talk to someone at least for a few minutes. so, this guy starts up the "a little about myself" rant.

guy: "so, about me...i'm 5'4. brown hair, brown eyes. i live in (insert horrible townie place here), and i like going into the city. oh, i'm also slightly balding. i hope that doesn't bother you."

me: (in my head) ...no, the balding doesn't bother me. in fact, i have this weird thing for receding hairlines. what bothers me is the fact that you're 5'4. which means you obviously didn't read my profile, where i clearly state i'm looking for someone 5'7 and above.

me: (for real) "oh, whatever. i'm hungry."

that conversation ended pretty quickly.

a peek into amy's exciting love life...

i've decided to start posting emails i get from idiots on match.com. they're super entertaining. and cost a rot of money...

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"I'm jsut trying this thing out and just got the subscription so I could write; I'm looking for friends or more my last girlfriend was French and she has since gone home, we are no longer an item and I'm dying to meet someone (desperate enough for you?) but anyway I thought you seemed interesting and I'll have my account updated soon with pictures once a package comes and the BoSox game is over so I can shower...hate waiting for UPS but gotta do it sometimes; Hope to hear from you soon...med school, I'm still trying to finish undergrad, my life is interesting but I really am smart too I got a 1390 on my SATs and everything but have AD_D and a mom from hell to me not others though. my Grandma's name is Stella how odd. Yeah I can't lick my elbows either...can't understand how you can...ttysol"

how's this for a blast from the past? leanne and i went to see moo tycoon last night! it's been awhile since we went to see them together. i miss going to watch them. they're so good! if anyone reading this is bored tonight, go see moo tycoon at the bell in hand. *sigh*

lynn was with me last night. this past tuesday was her birfday. we went out to dinner with her mom and brother and brother's fiancee. but before dinner, after rambling, stream-of-conscious logic, we decided to consummate our friendship to the fullest extent....we got matching tattoos. but i'm not telling what they are. you'll have to find me to see it. it's better that way, anyway.

"the suspense is killing me. i hope it will last." who knows what movie that's from?

i know i'm not dumb. but these are embarrassing.

took me 2 tries to get these all right in the time given. i mean, i've neer really been off the east coast.

thankfully, this one doesn't have a time limit. i'm not too ashamed of this one, since i really have no need to know where countries are located in africa and the middle east. i need that space in my brain for other things.

i'm on a yahoo mailing list for the moe. cruise i went on a few weeks ago. it was a nice little list for people to talk aobut what they were bringing, and get questions answered about the cruise. stuff like that. now that the cruise is over, people are using the list to keep in touch, post links to their pictures, etc. except for "kathy". "kathy" sent this email to the list this morning. completely uninstigated. no idea why, but it creeps me out:

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FAQ about Islam
(Frequently Asked Questions)
Who is Allah?
Allah means God. It is a personal name, which Allah calls Himself in
the Koran. That is where we get it. It can also be found in an Aramaic
copy of the Bible, and even Christian Arabs say Allah.
Who is Jesus to us?
Jesus peace be upon Him is a true prophet. Sent by Allah like Moses,
Abraham, Lot, Noah, Jonah, Joseph …etc.
Who were Jesus's parents?
Jesus is the son of Virgin Mary, and he had no father. Allah created
Jesus.
Can Jesus, or Mohammed peace be upon them be worshipped?
No, Allah does not accept that a cow, a person, an angel, a prophet, a
stone, or anything be worshipped in place of him, or even along with
Him. Worship must be to Allah the creator of them.
Is Allah the same as what Christians call the father?
Allah is the creator who Jesus worshipped. He is the Creator who spoke
to Moses, and split the sea for Moses, and his followers. That is
Allah. But Allah tells us: "Say Allah is one, He is Perfect, He has never
begotten, nor was He begott, and there is no one equal to Him".
Is there a trinity in Islam?
No. Allah is perfect.
Do we believe that Allah created the heavens and earth in 6 days?
Yes, but He did not rest on the seventh day, because He did not get
tired. Allah is perfect He does not get tired, nor does He sleep, eat, go
to the bathroom, feel pain, or die for that matter.
Can we see Allah?
Allah is not like the sun. Anyone can see the Sun. But Allah is the
most beautiful. Nothing is as beautiful as Allah. Actually looking at
Allah is the greatest pleasure of the people in Pradise. This pleasure
Allah does not give anyone but the believers. So no one will see Allah
before he dies.
Does Allah see us?
Allah sees us, and knows everything about us. He knows us better than
we know ourselves. There is not a leaf on a tree that blows away, or
stays in its place except that He knows it. There is not a dry spot, nor a
wet spot, nor a grain in the depths of the earth except that Allah
knows it.
Do we have free will?
Yes, of course. Allah does not punish us for something we did not do on
our own. But at the same time, our will is not inspire of Allah's will.
We cannot do anything if Allah will not allow it. In other words
nothing goes on in Allah's kingdom without His will.
Did Allah create Evil?
Yes, Allah created the good, and the bad. Whatever bad happens to us is
due to our sins. We sin and Allah pardons much of what we do; however,
when something bad happens to us it is our fault, and we are to blame.
Bad things that happen to a person are a chance for that person to
reflect, and ask: ”Why is this happening to me?” A chance for a person to
return from his sin, and obey, and worship Allah.
Do bad things happen to the believers (good people)?
Yes, they do. But they appear bad to the believers cause they are
things people don't like. Who likes breaking a leg? However, when a bad
thing happens to a believer this believer is patient. He praises Allah in
all circumstances. He knows Allah does not decree something unless it is
for his own good.
But how can breaking a leg are good for a beleiver?
Because it is a chance for the believer to think about what he did
wrong.
Also because Allah forgives much of what we do, but those things we are
not forgiven, they are forgiven due to our patience when we are struck
by a calamity. Allah gives us better reward when a problem strikes us
on earth if we are patient. This reward can be on earth, and it can be
in Heaven.
Does Allah hear my prayers?
Yes.
Does Allah answer my prayers?
We know that Allah answers all the prayers of the believers. This can
be in 4 ways:
1- Get what we are asking for!
2- Get something as good or better!
3- We get spared something bad that would have happened otherwise.
4- We get rewarded on the day of Judgment with a much greater reward
than what we were asking for on earth.
When does Allah not answer our prayers?
* When it is bad for us!
* When we ask, but not from our heart!
* When we say: I asked and asked and He did not answer.
* When we eat, drink, and wear unlawful, food, and clothes, and
property that wa earned either through interest from the bank, or that was
stolen, or if the food was pork, or the like.
What can I ask of Allah?
Any thing but don't ask Him to do things like make you a prophet. Cause
He has already said that there will be no more prophets.
You can ask Allah for guidance. Meaning you can ask Him to show you the
correct religion.
Who are my best friends?
Your best friends are the ones that care where you go after you are
dead. This is like the prophets. They cared that we go to heaven, even if
it meant some hardship on earth.
Who is my worst enemy?
That would be the devils, whether they are human devils (evil people),
or Jinn devils (like Iblis) The Arabic word for a devil is Shaytan
(similar to Satan). Satan wants us all to go to hell. He wants us to be bad
on earth, even if we get rich, or do lots of wrong things that we
appear to enjoy, he does not mind that. But he wants to make sure we don't
go to heaven.
What is it that keeps us from entering Heaven?
Worship of anyone other than Allah is the greatest sin. It is called
shirk, and this is not forgiven except through repentance.
Where is Allah?
Allah is the highest. He is high above ALL of His creation. He is
ascended upon a Throne, which is greater than the heavens, and the Earth.
Much much much greater than the heavens and the earth. So much greater
that the heavens and the earth could fit in the footstool of the throne,
and they would be like a ring thrown into an open desert. Allah is
certainly the greatest.
Does Allah look like us?
No Allah is perfect. He is not like any of His creation. He has told us
that He has Hands, Eyes, a Face, and Foot. But all of these attributes
are befitting to His might and Glory.
A Muslim does not say a single thing about Allah other than what Allah
says about Himself. We don't say He is like a clover, He got tired, He
is Jealous!
Allah is Perfect, and Unique.
What does it mean to believe in Allah?
It means to believe in Allah in total perfection, and uniqueness.
It means to believe in His prophets cause they are His, and He sent
them. We cannot pick and choose. A Muslim must believe in all the prophets
of Allah.
It means to believe in the Angles! We must love them all, we cannot
hate an Angel say, for example, to hate Michael who is charged with rain,
and the vegetation of the Earth, or Gabriel who is charged with
revelation (brings down the scriptures to the prophets).
It means to believe in Allah's predestination of good, and bad
(relative to us, but to Allah everything Allah does is good).
It means to believe in the last day: The day of Judgment.
When is the Day of Judgment?
Only Allah knows.
Are there signs for the day of Judgment?
Plenty, plenty, plenty. Many have already occurred.
To name a few,
Objects will begin to talk.
There will be much killing. The killer won't know why he killed, and
the guy that was killed won't know why he was killed.
The Antichrist will come.
Prophet Jesus son of Mary will return.
Gog and Magog will be set free.
The sun will rise from the west (after this one there can be no more
repentance)
What about non-Muslims do they go to heaven?
Allah only accepts Islam. He says in the Koran: "Whoever seeks a
religion other than Islam it won't be accepted of him, and he will be one of
the loosers in the hereafter". I would rather loose anywhere, but not
loose in the hereafter. This is because Hellfire is eternal. It never
ends, and we never die when we go there, if we go there.
What about someone who never heard of Islam?
Allah is the most just. Don't even think that we can be nicer than
Allah. Allah is the Most Just, and He said in the Koran "We were not to
punish till having sent a warner". The "We" here is the majestic we used
in Arabic. So if a person never heard about Islam, and was never warned
clearly Allah would have a special test for that person that He knows
is equal to the chance that person would have had on earth.
How do we know Islam is the truth?
It is the only religion that:
1- Hold Allah as One, Unique, and Perfect.
2- A lonly worship of Allah, not Jesus, not an idol, and not an angel
only Allah.
3- The Koran does not contain contradictions.
4- The Koran contains scientific facts, which are 1300 years ahead of
their time. The Koran while revealed 1400 years ago contains scientific
facts, which are only now being discovered. It is not in contradiction
to science.
5- Allah challenges the world to produce the like of the Koran. And He
says they won't be able to.
6- Prophet Mohammed was the most influential man in History. Even a
non-Muslim wrote a book called the 100 most influential men in History,
and Prophet Mohammed was #1. Prophet Jesus was #3. Note even Prophet
Jesus was a prophet sent by Allah. Would Allah allow a false prophet to be
so successful? No. Even the Bible says this in Deuteronomy 18:19. A
false prophet would die!!! Yet Prophet Mohammed did not die till he
completely conveyed, and taught Allah's religion.
7- He had many prophecies, and all of his prophecies have come true, or
are still coming true.
Most importantly is this:
Allah created us, and we know that we should only worship Him. This is
an instinct Allah has created us with. He did not just leave us, rather
He sent prophets for us. These prophets had miracles as proof. The
miracle for us today is the Koran. There is no other religion that worships
only Allah, and believes in Him as totally perfect, and believes in all
of His prophets, and scriptures.
Can anyone become a Muslim?
Yes anyone can. There are two declarations, which are necessary:
1- To bear witness that no one deserves to be worship except Allah
2- To bear witness that Prophet Mohammed is the Messenger of Allah.
This makes a person Muslim. But it should be said in Arabic. Next a
person takes a shower, and He/She is a Muslim.
Then What?
After a person becomes Muslim he/she is taught about Prayers, Fasting,
the Poor due, Pilgrimage. These are pillars of Islam.
Then What?
Muslims are brothers. A Muslim should love for his brother what he
loves for himself. Allah's wealth does not run out, and Allah can provide
for us all. We pray for each other, and love each other, and love for
our brothers and sisters what we love for ourselves.

thank god. "science" is our collective favorite generic subject, followed closely by "math". a few other subjects got votes, but they don't matter.

new poll. go vote.

only a little over 2 months. i'm only a little bit of an asshole, no?

amazingly enough, i've got tons of stuff i could write about, yet my motivation level is hovering around "little to none". i'm at work. it sucks. and while i've got plenty of time to sit here and recount all my wonderful tales of adventure, i feel like i'd fall asleep if i tried.

um, oh, i know. i'll come up with a new poll. that'll give my throngs of readers something to do, right?

does anyone even bother coming here anymore?